To give a little background as to where this came from. I was playing in a DnD (Dungeons and Dragons for those who don’t know) campaign. A scene played out that had my character Tahlmus very confused, left me a bit confused too because Tahlmus is a character that I know very well. I found a writing prompt from a book of prompts I have, and started writing. This moment that had left myself and my character confused, was on my mind and so the following is what occurred. (The italicized part is what the prompt was slightly revised to fit the storyline.)
I said it and I meant it… and… I was right. Still, I wish I could take it back, because there’s no way I could make it up to him; no way I could ever make him feel like he really is important to me.
It started as an act. That’s all it was supposed to be, but somewhere along the way, the feelings became real. Had they always been real for him? Had they always been there for me? Was I oblivious? I’d never had feelings for another man before.
I mean, I knew I was feeling something. He has been so easy to trust. So easy to be around. I had still been trying to figure everything out when he proposed. Was it part of the act? Was it real? What if I said yes and then something happened to one of us? What if it was real for him and not me? What if it was real for me and not him?
The questions wouldn’t stop. I panicked. I hadn’t lied when I said I still loved another. Morrigan will always be my first love. She’s really hard to forget, though I do think of her less when he’s around.
How, though, if these feelings are real, do I make it up to him? I know he pretended that my words didn’t hurt, but I could see the sting in his eyes. He didn’t let it stop him from taking my hand. I had needed that. Maybe he could see that. Maybe he does understand. Maybe if I just get him to see that all I needed was time, just a little time to sort everything out… then maybe… maybe we could go back to being us.
But to do that I need to talk to him. But since that night he hasn’t left his room. I really screwed up. I know that now. I need to fix it because I need him. I’ve realized now that my life means nothing without him. I only hope that one day when I knock he will answer.